Conservative Catholics got mad because the Pope actually believes in God and that's Wicked Funny: a former Catholic Perspective

Earlier this week the Deep Dish Pope made an announcement that it's pretty bad actually from a biblical perspective to do an ethnic cleansing. In fact he feels that is bad for the soul, so now conservatives are mad, and as a proud representative of the largest Catholic Subgroup: Lapsed, I have thoughts on the theology of Conservative Catholics.

A popular notion here is that these are not real Catholics as Catholics cannot disagree with the pope. This is nuanced of course, as every Catholic on the Planet, thank God, did not have to become a White Sox fan when Leo ascended to the Holy See. This more comes from a doctrinal perspective. The Final Promise to Peter in Matthew "Whatever you hold true on earth...", you might remember this as a major plot point in the movie Dogma, but it is also what grants the Pope Infallibility.

But I'm going to let in on a little secret, almost every Catholic has disagreements with the Vicar of Rome. Not even to mention the common perception that the entire Church bungled the Priest Molestation cases so hard that many left the church because of it, most Catholics have a lot of doctrinal exceptions. The obvious one is no Meat on Sundays, a dietary rule that all Catholics have to stick to, but rarely does anyone do it except for the first two Fridays of Lent every year when they remember that rule exists.

In fact there is an entire species of Catholic who likes to take their doctrinal authority piecemeal, a la cart. That's right the Cafeteria Catholics, of which I come from a proud line of. The mentality of course comes from the place of "Hey, life is hard, I got work, and if I'm generous and kind to my neighbors maybe St. Peter won't mind if I sneak past the gate when he ain't looking." And these Catholics are the kinds I get along with the most. Same can't be said with Conservative Catholic.

Conservative Catholics of course have doctrinal disagreements with His Holiness, but its less skepticism that supporting abortions is a one way ticket to hell, and more anger that the church no longer blames Jews for the Death of Christ for reasons that they won't elaborate on.

There are two breeds of this species really, first is the recent Convert, who are often lucky I consider them Catholic at all. I strongly suspect a lot of the recent ones in particular literally aren't as they stare blank eyed when I ask about normal things like "Easter Duty", "Confirmation", or "Catechism." Getting past this peculiar subset, most converts greatest sin is that they're just annoying. Like the kind of guy who gets in the door for five minutes and wants to tell everyone whose been here 30 years how the organization is run. No JD, shut up, you don't know what you're talking about, sit down and learn the pew mambo before trying to argue with the priest.

The other breed of ConCath is of course the most pernicious. On BlueSky I referred to him as "THAT Uncle", the kind of asshole that likes the Catholic Church not because he has an ideological alignment with its various theologies, but because he likes the notion of being part of a 1700 year old organization. Not because of the novelty of it, but because he's a fascist. This uncle's favorite pope was Benedict. And will with no prompting defend the efforts of the Church to help fleeing Nazis into Argentina.

THAT Uncle takes issues with Vatican 2, but won't take the full plunge into TradCath because he knows that the Supreme Authority of the Church, Your Nana, would smack him silly the second he tries to pull Sedevacantism in the family. Tom Homan, Matt Walsh, Kevin Roberts, they are all THAT Uncle. And they are all extremely mad that the heirs of the apostles are all saying that way that the US is handling its deportations is barbaric, and against doctrine. And while I admire the nuts it takes to stand against the entire prelate as even I, a lasped Catholic who hasn't really believed in God in 30 years, would crumble from the stare of a singular nun, it is pretty brazen how outright evil they're being about this.

All of them, instead of being humbled by the frankly astonishing unity the Church has on this issues have decided "No, it's the bishops that are wrong." So while they collectively figure out 95 extreme racist bullet points to nail at the door of the NYC Cathedral, the church is left in a bit of a bind. In America, Catholicism is a minority religion, so most peoples contact with Catholics are of the likes of THAT Uncle, and maybe a fictional priest on Law and Order. So how does the Malort Pope respond to such brazen blaspheming?

Now, the funniest suggestion is that all MAGA Catholics get excommunicated from JD Vance all the way down the Matt Walsh, and while I would personally rejoice and make a conserted effort to attend Mass Twice a year and ignore my priest like a good Catholic if this were to happen, this would be seen as a brazen political move from the Bishop of Rome, and it might interfere with visits to catch a few Bulls games and the NBA season just started.

Jack Shawhan, AKA The Terrier, is a writer and internet funny person with occasional observations on politics, media, and modern life. If you would like to support his continued writing consider subscribing to his Ghost or if you would like to buy him a coffee send to his CashApp $JackShawhan.